01 October, 2012

Does a SORRY suffice?

In this fight, nobody wins or loses. You apologize and go on or learn a lesson for life. You either fight with your ego or compromise with your love. At times, you are aware of being wrong, but something stops you from admitting it. You wish you had never messed up. You can't see another way but letting go, but the heart holds on. What if you know that you're at fault, but can't admit it?

Painkillers don't lessen the pain that you feel. They work for a prick, not a stab. Every word that you say makes a lot of difference in a relationship. They are the foundation to your actions and if they are true and honest, nothing can damage the building. What if every word stabs you in the heart and all you want to do is rewind?

Rewind. The past holds all the mistakes and errors you committed. There was no regret about any of those acts till they were laid out for you to read. All you want to do is take them back, but there is no way to. You could promise to never repeat them, but who will trust you?

Why do the mistakes you make in life always take the limelight? Why are your failures the topic of discussion? Why are flaws enlarged so much and critically analyzed? No wonder the media industry runs on blowing up murders, rapes and such crimes. Our brain reacts to the bad actively. The good just have passive reactions.

How many times have you wished that you could just disappear off the face of the planet? How many times have you felt ashamed of what you did? How many times have you wanted to wipe off the past and start on a clean slate, only to not be granted that opportunity? How often did you wish you could get a hug and a nod, stating the other person understood you were wrong? Did those actions ever heal the void your mistakes created? Didn't it feel better than blowing up and listing out mistakes?

When you were wrong in a relationship and hurt the other person in ways immeasurable, but never intended to do so, does a sorry suffice? What if the guts to be wrong was there, but the guts to admit that you were wrong doesn't come up? Will you let go of the relationship to stroke your ego or hold on hoping that one day, you will come to terms with the other person, no, yourself?

The mind rushes forward. It is occupied by the stress of the surroundings, by the worry of upcoming tests and things that are material, but the heart doesn't cease to feel how wrong it was. Each beat feels like it lasts for eons. It longs for a touch that says, "I'm here" or a hug that says "I love you." Actions do speak louder than words. I truly understood that today.

What is the foundation of a good relationship? Communication? Love? Physical contact? Attraction? Fidelity? Loyalty? TRUST? Affection? I learnt today that all these give birth to a good relationship, but the base is trust, honesty and fidelity. Yes, and I truly lack in one of those departments.

I couldn't say any of this to your face, I'm not that gutsy. I'm a coward and egoistic when it comes to admitting my mistakes. Well, you have your theories. And your damn right, your not a fool. I am. I didn't know what I was thinking when I said all that I said. Maybe, I'm more flawed than everyone around. But, I've never learned a lesson the easy way. Moral Science lessons were never for me. Experience taught me and molded me to whom I am today. And this is will be the worst experience that taught me the greatest lesson I have ever learnt and I can't thank you enough for that.

No, I don't want your forgiveness, I don't want your love, I don't wish for you to accept me with a hug and a smile, I don't want to mean the world to you like I did, but I really hope that you don't hate me. I hope that you don't ask me anything more about the past. I hope you don't dig further and make the void bigger, let me nurse the wounds I inflicted on me, let me understand the depth to which I hurt you, let me know how wrong I was and let me never relive this experience. I can't face you anymore till I forgive myself, but I can't thank you enough for molding me into an honest, truthful and a stronger individual.


Relationships are like glass. Once they're shattered, you can never fix them back. You can use feviglue or any adhesive, but the cracks will always be visible. The only solution? Replace it with a new glass.


I'm sorry. I mean it from the deepest of my heart. I wish we NEVER talk about any part of the episode that passed, cause I still don't have the courage to admit my faults.


Love,

6 comments:

  1. Dear after reading this post I can feel that you have been going through something right now. I don't want to ask / say anything because I trust your capability to deal with it.

    But I can just add - anytime you need to talk , please do let me know. And most importantly sorry might not suffice. But then that is what humans are . They err and learn from their mistakes. The wound might take time to heal but it will be the reminder of a beautiful lesson learnt the tough way.

    Take care..sending loads of hugs to make you feel better!

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    1. Thank you Me. Thanks a lot. :)
      Things are better now.
      'The wound might take time to heal, but it will be the reminder of a beautiful lesson learnt the tough way.' - HOW TRUE!! I will always remember this.

      Hugs and love!!

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  2. AAeKay...THANK YOU..just Thank you...ur statements made me highlight few grey areas in me..could listen to my inner voice now...simply thank you

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    1. You're more than welcome. :)

      Thank you for stopping by my blog.

      Wish you had signed in and left a comment though!

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  3. i finally signed in....i re read you statemnts..i kinda get to hear my innermost voice...Thanks Aaekay.

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    1. I'm glad I could be of help. So glad you liked it too!

      Thanks Ahmed for signing in and leaving a lovely comment. :)

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