20 July, 2014

Almost A Goodbye. {Suicide}

Eight paracetamols I took, all in the hope that it would end. Hoping that I would finally find peace and that all my sorrows would diminish.

I didn't leave a note, for nothing remained to be said. I didn't tie up loose ends, for I knew the world would move on without me.

I just wanted to transcend above and beyond, out of reach.



I woke up to the glaring light, which was blinding my eyes. Is this how heaven is supposed to look? Loud cries could be heard, some in pain and some exhaled in joy. I couldn't fathom what was happening till I heard, "You're safe and stable now."
 

The hospital.


Safe? I smirked.
I cursed my fate.
Safe was what I wanted. 
Stable is what I will never be.


I fumbled for an answer to the pain and wondered why it all did not end. Why I was not annihilated off the face of this planet. I cussed the soul that had saved me. The truth was, I was beyond saving. Now I was forced to live this doomed existence till death decided to play its part.. again.




13 July, 2014

Reactions After An Absence. ♥

A thousand thoughts ran through my mind,
How would we greet each other?
Would he be thrilled to see me?

I knew how I felt..
Exhilarated and excited,
Filled with ardor and zest;
I longed to hold his face in my palms,
And squeal with joy.

Each second felt like an hour,
These two years apart had flown faster than these couple minutes - or so I felt,
Would we smile and say a polite hi?
Will we shake hands?
Will I blush at his sight and coyly laugh?

Our relationship had blossomed over the years,
Life's challenges had made it stronger,
Happiness had multiplied only by the presence of each other,
But really...
Just how would he welcome me back?

I pushed my trolley laden with excess baggage,
I felt shy to search for that face,
My heart beat past a normal pace,
I looked around and..
There he was,
Standing amidst the chaotic crowd,
Our eyes locked and the moment froze.

I rushed past the security procedures - beaming widely,
Disrupting the haphazard pattern that people had formed.
I jumped into his open arms,
Our laughter was synchronous,
Tears of joy spilled down my cheek,
Our overflowing happiness was evident.

He lifted me up,
Hugged me tightly and..
Sealed our relationship with the heartiest kiss!!

I knew at that moment,
That nothing had ever changed between us,
And it put all my insecurities to rest,
But the nutso here?
I realized that airports indeed have more sincere kisses than wedding halls. :)








16 June, 2014

55 fiction.

"We're meant to be together, baby. Distance isn't even a factor, nothing will ever tear us apart. Trust me."

How do you trust someone when they say this before you relocate, but cut off all contact with you and you later hear that they've married someone else?


Love.. 
Something that I will never understand.



Girlfriend to divorcee.

1996,
In a relationship,
For seven months:

Every time I hear those words,
I get a knot in my stomach,
My heart beats faster,
I feel a little giddy,
I know I've made the right choice.. 
What more could anyone want, other than love?


1999,
Married,
Second anniversary:

Responsibilities have taken over,
Work has eaten into his soul,
But my love has not diminished,
I wish we could spend more time together,
But what would life be without hardships?
Thankful I am,
To have found a partner,
Who cares to fulfill my every need.


2003,
Married with kids,
Fourth anniversary:

My kids make me smile,
They make me feel so proud,
All my emotional needs they complete,
I'm glad they're here with me;
For a lonely soul,
I wish not to be,
My marriage seems to have been vanquished.


2009,
Married,
Tenth anniversary:

Love I experience in abundance,
But happy I am not,
A flourishing career I gave up,
At my husband's demand,
To raise my kids,
But now..
I regret it,
For respected I feel not.


2013,
Divorced,
A year after the divorce:

A beautiful home I had,
Servants appeared when I beckoned,
Expensive jewellery I wore,
I attended parties;
My parents couldn't understand why anyone would leave him,
Or that lifestyle,
They thought I wasn't adjusting enough,
They felt I should be crazy to leave a 'wonderful' man;
But behind the door,
The scene was different,
My husband and I almost never communicated,
He'd silence me with a stern comment,
And tell me to go about my duties;
He refused to hear my cries for help,
When I was drowning in sorrow;
He walked away when I needed him most;
He felt I was unworthy, 
For no money I brought to the table,
I was apparently only lazing around at home;
He had no more respect for me,
He no longer cared about my needs,
He didn't adore me any longer,
But you know what the irony is..
He said that he loved me every night.



21 May, 2014

Mickey and Minnie ♥

Inni minni Mickey Mouse,
Who's the Minnie in your house?
Who fills your heart with joy and care?
Who's the girl who takes you everywhere?
She's the one who makes you laugh,
Oh yes..
She's the Minnie to your heart :)



19 May, 2014

Ishq wala love. ♥

If to any extent he goes,
To ensure a smile on your face,
Anything he would do to make you laugh,
Then oh yes..
It could be ishq wala love.

When he whispers sweet nothings in your ear,
And each word sounds like a melody,
Woven together just for you,
Then it definitely is ishq wala love.

If he teaches you to spread your wings,
And pushes you off the cliff when it is time to fly,
Yet stands beside you when you're soaring high,
It might just be ishq wala love.

When days turn into nights,
And months turn into years,
Yet beside you he stands,
To catch you when you fall,
Please think again..
It might not just be friendship,
But ishq wala love!



 

18 May, 2014

Perspective.

"I'm telling you Tisha, what you did was wrong!"

My mum yelled through the line, before I heard the sound of the receiver being banged down. I couldn't fathom what enraged her so much. Was it the fact that I hadn't done what would please her or was it because she couldn't see it the way I was seeing it? It all seemed strange to me.

I just gave birth to twins, a couple hours ago. My husband of four years is delighted with his progeny. I'm constantly surrounded by bickering visitors, oohing and aahing on how my babies' nose resembles mine and their eyes resemble my husband's and so on. My mum refused to come see me or my kids. She had refused to come to my marriage ceremony, as I married a guy against her wishes. Hashish and I had been in a relationship for five years before we got married. I am a Gujarati, while he is a Kashmiri. We come from different backgrounds, you know, the typical two states story.

Mum felt that my life would be happy and complete only if I married a Gujarati, gave up my job, learnt home skills and produced children within a year of marriage. She expected that I follow the society's standards of marriage. I rebelled, married inter-caste, worked three years while staying away from the husband and had kids only now. My mum falsely blamed Hashish of cheating on me, when I worked abroad many, many miles away from him. Was it because she was insecure? Had the society influenced her so much that she cared about pleasing them more than my happiness?

My mum and I didn't speak for years after, cause she said that just my voice made her furious. It's here that I realized that my mum's perspective was different from mine. I cannot judge her perspective to be right or wrong, it is one that she is entitled to, but something that I am free to disagree with. Sometimes when we make decisions, we have to remember that not everyone would see things the way we view them. Each person will have a different opinion - some biased too. We can either understand their perspective and try to find a common ground, which I believe rarely happens, we can give into their understanding of the world or we can follow what we feel is right for us. The choice is up to us.

When I think back, I wonder what if my mum had been right? What if Hashish was cheating on me? I would be a divorcee today, probably remarried, living a life where I had made decisions that I felt were right. The society would look down on me for being a divorcee, but who cares? They wouldn't have had my back when I was down. When you see someone with a broken wing, try to mend it if you can, if not, step back and let them heal. Don't force your perspective of things on them or judge their failures. They're stronger than you will ever know.

Mum, look past your point of view. Look past the walls that you have built around yourself. Give yourself the freedom to climb walls and see things with a new pair of eyes, cause then you will see new dimensions to every aspect of life around you.

I will always love you.

~ Tisha



I feel complete when you're in my life.

What is the sky without the shining stars?
How worthy is the snow without the cold?
How important is Mickey Mouse without Minnie?
Well, they're all beautiful in their own ways,
But I believe absolutely incomplete,
For they're not unconditionally loved,
Or doted upon excessively,
That's why I wonder..
Who am I without you?

For it is you who makes everyday worth living,
Every moment more colorful,
And makes chasing my dreams so much more fun.

Life is always beautiful when there's someone to hold your hand,
Stay by your side,
And promise you your ideal forever.

I wouldn't go so far to say that you're my knight in shining armour,
But you've made me feel ardor and zest,
You make me feel like Piglet..
It's just like how Winnie the Pooh says,
"You can't spell love, you can only feel it!"


P.S: A very long hiatus, yes I know. I had no reason to be away, so no excuses. I wasn't extremely busy or sick..  I just felt disconnected. But suddenly at 2AM, I felt this intense urge to blog. I hope I could say that I'm back for good, but I think I'll just see how it goes!